Teachers are BIG Ticket Holders.

Okay, so today it happened - today was the day I got angry in class. I believe this has only happened in a teaching scenario twice in 12 years, once in 2019 and once now.

I recall the last time so vividly, and I assume I will not lose sight of this time for years to come. This is because when I yell out of anger, I am devastated. My body literally shakes. I hate anger and I hold it as little as possible. Anger, especially when related to teaching, is simply not me. And yet, here we are. And I yelled, in a mean way. But why did I do it? Maybe because I felt compelled to. I had listened to the same frustrations from my teaching staff one too many times. Then, in that moment, I saw those very frustrations right before my own eyes, and enough was enough.

Our students sign contracts that state they will apply themselves. They must apply themselves for their own growth and betterment. They are here to learn how to progress, to be accountable, to develop discipline and motivation, to strive for excellence, and to express themselves. We’ve given a lot to see these actions through, and we are up against a performance timeline riddled with absences and inconsistencies. We know that what we do now will have severe impacts on what’s to come in the next few months, and we want what’s best for our students (truly, madly, deeply).

We know that what is worse than anger is personal disappointment, which will surely follow for those I walked out on today if nothing changes. Yes, personal disappointment during a defining moment is definitely far worse than 3 seconds of loud anger during a weekly Thursday practice facing a white brick wall. Personal disappointment exists when someone sees their peers are more prepared than they are. Personal disappointment exists when someone sees their peers achieving goals they too set out to achieve but fell short not because they lacked potential or the tools to get there, but because they lacked the proper and consistent efforts (and internal motivation) needed. Personal disappointment and personal triumph can exist regardless of medal placements or validation from others. And the way to separate these polar opposite outcomes has to do with the work that is put in day by day, class by class. Just because Wednesday went well does not mean Thursday is a shoe-in.

Dance requires stamina.

It asks a lot.

I have lived this truth for 29.5 years.

Stamina is pushing outside your comfort zones and trying even ESPECIALLY when you don’t care to. When this stamina is not trained young, it is much harder. But that’s the thing, harder does not mean impossible. Thus, here we are. Trying to catch teenagers up. Trying to get them to commit to the moment, not just because their peers do it, but because it is good for them! To push. To prioritize. To see their efforts (or lack thereof) have an impact. And to please, for the love of Broadway, train to smile for 5 minutes straight when that is the requirement set forth.

*exhales* - I guess the worries I have now are: 1 - even if we made some breakthrough for a student or two, will the culture of my studio shift because I yelled so loudly? I cannot imagine if a family were to feel off-put by my actions, actions that are not me. And 2 - what if my actions have no positive or lasting significance to those I faced? I gave something of myself, and it may not be met with the resilience and vigor that will make that sacrifice worth it. I guess only time will tell. I guess now I can say I have tried yet another way to get through.